At some point in our lives, we are bound to lose something / someone precious to us. Or we are forced to let go of something / someone precious to us. Either way, the lost affects us tremendously in one way or another. Some get over it quicker compared to others. While others, never recover.
About 5 years ago, I lost my dad to illness. He was my hero, my mentor, my inspiration. He was always there for me whenever I felt lost and needed guidance. His advice was always neutral and fair. He would not side with me but he would always make me think rationally. He was my rock.
Losing him just a couple of months before my wedding was devastating. Seeing how weak and frail he became in the last week of his life was worse. The man I knew growing up who I could always depend on, my strong hero, all weak and sick, that was the hardest thing I had to see. On his death bed, fighting for every breath, he was a fighter until the end.
I remember slipping into depression for months after his death.
I could not concentrate on work, I could not even concentrate on my wedding plans which were inching close and closer. Bless my future wife when, she handled most of it because she knew I was a wreck. I, on the other hand, was struggling to cope when my lost. I pitied myself, expected everyone else around me to understand how I felt and to sympathise with me. I blamed the way I felt on others and it was toxic.
Sometimes letting go is the only way to heal.
What I did was holding on for too long. I did not want to accept the fact that my dad wasn’t around anymore. I did not want to let go. I was afraid that if I let go, I’d slowly forget him and I did not want to ever forget my dad. But holding on kept me depressed.
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It means you’ve come to accept what has been so that you can move on with your life.
2 weeks before my wedding was when it hit me really hard. Thoughts of my dad not sitting on his chair at the table with me, my new wife and my mom on our wedding night got really hard to take. That’s when I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I had to do something. And this was what I did to help me come to terms with my dad not being around in my life anymore.
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Saying Goodbye
A week before I was to officially become a husband, I paid a visit to my dad’s grave. It wasn’t my first time there, but it was my first time there to do what I’ve never done before. Saying a proper goodbye. I stood there for a long time, just quietly looking at his picture. I knew what I had to do but took a while to gather the courage to do it. After almost half an hour of silence, I knelt down in front of his tombstone, kissed his picture and said my goodbye. I accepted that he wasn’t around anymore and that I will never see him in this life ever again. But being someone who believes in the afterlife, I know that he’s enjoying his time with God and that I will see him again someday. -
Acceptance
I used to come home from work every evening and I would see my dad sitting on his favourite spot on the living room sofa, watching his favourite TV shows. It became such a routine that if he wasn’t there, it felt weird. I now had to accept that not seeing there isn’t weird anymore but the new normal. That is how it is now. -
Never Be Alone
I wasn’t the only one suffering. My mom was the worst hit among the family. Her husband, soulmate of over 34 years was no longer around. She had been with him longer than she was without him. My older brother took it hard as well as the last couple of years before my dad died, he was hardly around, always very busy with work. So he was filled with regret of not spending more time with him. My oldest sister who had been living overseas for over a decade with her family was also filled with regret of not being able to spend more time with him. My youngest brother was so sad that he had to differ a whole semester because he just couldn’t concentrate on his studies. Although we were all sad, we never really talked about it much and tried to deal with our own sadness by ourselves. It was only when we all came together and talked about it, opened ourselves up to one another, that we were finally able to come to terms with my dad not being around any more as a family. -
Moving On
Knowing that there’s nothing that I can change, that despite having all the ‘what ifs’ in my head (what if my dad had only done this or that, he could have lived longer), by allowing myself to fully come to terms with that, I forced myself to move on. Holding on to something that cannot be changed, it held me back. Moving on was the only way forward for me.
I won’t lie and say that I don’t have breakdowns every now and then. I do get random memories of my dad, especially if I see or hear something that reminds me of him and it triggers it. I’ll think of him, miss him and occasionally cry for him. But it doesn’t pull me down anymore. And I also won’t lie and say that I haven’t gone through days where he doesn’t cross my mind at all because I do. I’d go weeks sometimes where I don’t think about him because I’m living my life presently. But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about him. I still talk about him a lot, especially with my wife who only got to know him for a short while before he died. And I tell my son about his amazing grandfather that he’ll get to meet someday.
He may not be around anymore but his memories will live on forever, with me and with my children, from the stories of him that I’ll be telling them.
Losing a loved one is tragic, especially the early stages of it. It will take weeks, months and maybe even years to move on. Truth is, we will never get over it but we do learn to live with it and that is what matters the most. That we continue to live our lives as that’s the best way we can remember them.
I Am Benny Lim 